Week 01
Katie had just left me when she died. We had been arguing about something stupid – the dishes or something – when suddenly she just said it. “I’m done with you.”
I immediately thought it was because of her parents – they weren’t happy that she was with a woman. And I told her to just ignore them. Then she said the worst thing I have ever heard – “It’s not because you are a girl, it’s because you are you.”
I was still trying to figure that out when her brother called a few days later to say she had been killed. Car accident – instant. I did feel relieved about that.
There were all sorts of other emotions, but I remember being disappointed the most. We never got to reconcile.
Today is the two week anniversary of her death. As I settle into the reality of her death, I’ve come to realise that I need her in my life. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her.
Week 02
The week started off really badly. Work was busy, people were complaining about everything, nothing was working. Then Benji came along. When I looked into his eyes, I saw Katie so I decided to keep him, and I needed something to focus my energy on. Unfortunately, Benji has spent the last week begging to be let out the bathroom but he’ll run away if I do. I just hope the neighbours don’t complain.
All week I fed him what I was eating, he eats it but his not very keen – I don’t really want to buy special food for him, it seems like a waste. I think he might be missing his old life. But he’ll just have to get used to his new one.
I haven’t been feeling so down the last couple of days. I guess I’m on the road to recovery.
Week 03
This week ended much better than the last week. I had a performance review at work. It didn’t start off well till I explained about Katie’s death. I didn’t mean to make them feel bad, but I couldn’t help crying when I spoke about her – it was the first time I had spoken about it to anyone at work.
And Benji has been behaving himself – I’ve had to discipline him twice though. His eyes used to remind me of Katie but now they’re just sad all time. I only kept him because of the resemblance. He was whining to be let out when I got in last night. I opened the door with my belt in hand and he shut up immediately.
Week 04
Everyone is being really nice to me at work. They keep saying things like take your time and no rush. It’s a pleasant change from before. Even Benji has relaxed a little.
At first Benji wouldn’t let me near him. He’s a lot more accepting of his situation now – I can even hug him. He protests but there’s no strength left in it. He just sits rigid and glaring till I’m done. Today I was telling him how he reminded me of Katie and how much I loved her, and how I didn’t want him to be so sad all the time. He sat watching me for a while before whispering,
“I’m not Katie, my sister’s dead – please let me go.”
Nantalith Teglan 